Lose count of how much plastic surgery you see within five minutes of arrival at LAX. Help your host select a lemon tree at Home Depot on the way to Palmdale. Kiss two months of sobriety goodbye with some margaritas.
Split a bottle of wine after the margaritas and paint each other’s toenails. Go out for Mexican food after you should be passed out in bed. Spend the next morning touching up the errors in your toenail polish. Celebrate a friend’s return to the States over beers and half a tri-tip sandwich in San Louis Obispo. Have more beer and take a nap with The Who.
Let everyone sleep in your hotel room because theirs is just too scary. Go wine-tasting in a limo with a stripper pole.
Learn how to properly sniff wine, but don’t get frustrated when you can’t tell the difference in any of them. Drink a $150 wine without swirling or sniffing. Vogue in front of a boxcar.
Take a nap in broad daylight while a party rages around you. Learn the hard way that there are no cabs available in Paso Robles on Wine Festival night.
Sleep in the top bunk of an Angry Birds bed. Drive a red camaro through Paso Robles… at 25 mph. Recall that the other half of that tri-tip sandwich is still in your hotel fridge and eat it cold for breakfast. Drink mimosas on the back patio with new friends. Unexpectedly check off a bucket list item by driving along the Pacific coast.
Have dinner with one of your closest friends from the east coast in a Ventura tap house. Take a Pilates class that your sister is teaching, and pretend to not be afraid that she’s going to kick your ass. Assume you’re suddenly an expert in wine-tasting and compare two bottles of wine using words like “notes”, “mellow”, and “finish”.
Sit on the patio with sister, friend, cats, and lemon water and do absolutely nothing except contemplate the rate at which your skin is burning. Tiptoe into the Pacific Ocean and try not to be surprised by the fact that it feels at least 40 degrees warmer than the Atlantic.
Ignore no less than a dozen “doctors” in Venice Beach who try to sell you medical marijuana. Lose your voice because you've been laughing for a week straight.
End the week with a good bottle of wine, sniff in all three places, and finally smell the difference.
Enough wine drinking. Now I'm switching to the moonshine.